Category: Relationships

What To Expect in Couples Therapy

Posted on by Alana Burton

Couples psychotherapy can be a transformative journey, offering couples a chance to address their challenges, enhance communication, and foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. When it comes to the modality of transactional analysis, expect a unique and insightful approach that delves into the dynamics of your relationship. If you are considering couples therapy, the following information will tell you a bit more about what to expect in couples therapy in the framework of transactional analysis.

Understanding Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis is a psychotherapy approach that focuses on interpersonal interactions and communication patterns within relationships. TA was developed by Eric Berne and is based on the idea that individuals engage in transactions, or social exchanges, which can be analysed to better understand behaviour and relationships. When applied to couples therapy, it helps partners recognise and change unproductive patterns of interaction.

The Initial Assessment

Your journey in couples therapy begins with an initial assessment. The therapist will meet with you both to gather information about your relationship history, concerns, and goals. This stage is crucial to establish trust and a therapeutic alliance between the couple and the therapist.

Exploring Life Scripts

In transactional analysis, life scripts are ingrained beliefs and patterns of behaviour that we develop early in life. During therapy, you and your partner will explore your individual life scripts and how they impact your relationship. This deep introspection can be eye-opening and help you gain insight into your dynamics.

Analysing Ego States

Transactional analysis identifies three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Understanding these ego states in both yourself and your partner is a fundamental aspect of couples therapy in this modality. It allows you to recognise when you and your partner are operating from different states and how this influences your interactions.

Transactional Patterns

A core focus in transactional analysis couples therapy is analysing the transactions between you and your partner. Are you engaging in complementary transactions, where you reinforce each other’s ego states, or are you caught in crossed transactions, leading to miscommunication and conflict? Identifying these patterns is essential for facilitating change.

Contracting for Change

Once the therapist and the couple have a comprehensive understanding of the relationship dynamics, they work together to create a contract for change. This contract outlines the specific goals and objectives of therapy, as well as the commitments both partners are willing to make to achieve these goals.

Ongoing Work

Couples therapy using transactional analysis is not a quick fix but a process that requires ongoing effort and commitment. Expect to engage in exercises and discussions that challenge your existing communication patterns and encourage healthier interactions.

In summary, couples psychotherapy in the modality of transactional analysis provides an opportunity for couples to gain a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics, change unproductive patterns, and ultimately enhance their connection. It’s a journey of self-discovery and improved communication that can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership. If you and your partner are considering couples therapy, transactional analysis may be the transformative approach you’ve been searching for.

How To Spot Emotional Abuse

Posted on by Alana Burton

Never feeling good enough. Doubting yourself and wondering where you have gone wrong. Walking on eggshells. Watching what you say and changing your behaviour to avoid being reprimanded. If any of these sounds familiar, you may be experiencing emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse can cover any type of non-physical abuse including control, manipulation, bullying or verbal abuse. It is a way of psychologically manipulating a victim and in a relationship it can be like a slow drip feed, incessant and insidious and has the aim of wearing you down, stripping away your personality and everything you thought you knew about yourself, leaving behind a shell of a person. It is not limited to romantic relationships either, any relationship can be affected including friendships, family or professional relationships.

While there may often be visible signs of physical abuse, emotional abuse is more subtle and often harder to identify. It is nonetheless as devastating in a relationship as other forms of abuse. Many victims report not really understanding or appreciating that they have been a victim of emotional abuse until after the fact. It may take time to sufficiently recognise the abuse you have felt subjected to. A key aspect to consider is how you feel in the relationship. Red flags to look out for are if you feel like you are being manipulated, you don’t feel able to speak your mind or you modify your actions to accommodate someone else. Ask yourself whether you feel like you are being yourself when you are with this person? If you feel in some way out of sync and wondering about your own sanity, there might be something more serious to look in to.

“But it’s for your own good”

Abusers often blame their victims and act as if they have no idea why you are upset. You may be convinced that what you are experiencing is for your own good, that you perhaps don’t know what is good enough for yourself and need someone else to help you figure this out. You may feel guilty, ashamed and silenced by the feeling of having gotten something wrong, or missed something that was supposedly very good for you.

A victim may also experience a loving side to their partner amongst episodes of emotional abuse and they may forget or deny the abusive behaviours. The ‘bad stuff’ can sometimes be rationalised in distorted ways to justify what is going on. You start to question yourself and wonder whether you can trust your own judgement or perceptions. Your self-esteem starts to chip away and the lines between what feels like reality and doubt are blurred. Before long you feel you are losing your mind.

Get the support you need

In recent years there has been a massive shift in the way we talk about emotional abuse. Terms such as “coercive control” and “gaslighting” are more widely used and and are taken more seriously. Coercive control was also recognised as a criminal offence in 2015. People are talking about it more and there is help and support on offer.

If any of the above resonates in any way or you want to talk through your experiences, contact a professional. Get the support you need to make sense of what you are going through. You may have slowly lost sight of who you are but there’s always scope to turn it around. You can regain control over your own life.

 

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Your Mental Health During Lockdown

Posted on by Alana Burton

For the last few months, the majority of us have been living with new limitations. This has come with a wide range of complex challenges to our mental health. Freedom of movement has been restricted and ‘social distancing’ is now not only a standard part of lexicon but a new way of life. Mental health during lockdown has come under the spotlight.

It is no surprise that the current Corona pandemic is having just as much effect on people’s mental health as it is their physical health. Increased levels of stress and anxiety are being widely reported and there is already concern for the longer term implications of our lockdown.

So what is going on?

The Lockdown Effect

For those with pre-existing medical or mental health issues, there may be a spike in stress and anxiety as well as a more intense general level of emotional distress. To a certain extent, feeling anxious about what is going on in the world is normal. Under these very unusual circumstances it is actually expected that we may be experiencing stress and anxiety. After all, the world has changed in (and I’m going to say it…..) unprecedented ways.

But what happens to us when healthy levels of stress tip into the unhealthy?

The Stress Response

When we are under stress our body releases adrenaline and cortisol into our bloodstream and our body equips itself for a fight or flight response. Our heart rate picks up and our energy levels pique. Our body is preparing itself for a potentially threatening or dangerous situation. In periodic and short spurts, cortisol is useful to us as it boosts immunity by limiting inflammation. Cortisol also equips us to deal with the situation by limiting any non-essential functions. Once the threat subsides, hormone levels usually return to normal.

Sometimes, however, this doesn’t happen. We may be exposed to enduring higher levels of cortisol which can wreak havoc on a variety of body processes. We may also end up feeling quite wired and constantly on edge.

The important thing to be aware of is that this can have an emotional and a physical impact on us. To mitigate the impact, we need to be able to regulate our stress and anxiety levels. Stress is known to cause an excess of cortisol in the body and this can make feelings of depression more likely. Not only this, the synapses in our brain shrink as a result of a cortisol overload and we are less able to think clearly or be anything like our best selves. Too much adrenaline in our bodies can also have an adverse effect on our immune system. At a time when we are all seeking to be as healthy as possible, this would be a pretty unwanted result!

Currently we’ve lost control over so much we often take for granted. We cannot control when we go shopping, when we see our family or when go out for a drink with our best mate. It can be hard to acknowledge just how much we have lost control of. On the other hand, there’s a real chance to recognise where we can regain a sense of control in our lives. Essentially, we are reminding ourselves of what we have always, and continue to be in charge of.

One thing that can be really useful, is to stick to a timetable. Ordinarily, setting a time to have lunch may seem a relatively trite thing to do when our time is more our own, but maintaining a sense of structure and routine to our day is really important to general mental health during lockdown. It may have been great to see the time gained from not travelling into work as a lie-in opportunity, but going forward time structuring and a sense of security and stability is a basic human need.

Planning your own day is within your control. You can implement your own structure and routine. Pick a regular time to still have breakfast, get up in time to start your work-from-home day at the designated time. If you are not working you may find it useful to still get up at the same time as usual. Have lunch at the same time. Put time into your day for self-care. Go to that online Body Pump class and have a virtual coffee with your fitness buddy after.

Establishing and sticking to times we set for ourselves is within our control. Acknowledging this and reflecting on this can be very grounding and empowering. It can also be a useful tool in getting through a very challenging time!