This post explores the emotional patterns of people with BPD through the mentalisation model, which provides insights into how they process thoughts, emotions, and relationships.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

BPD is a mental health disorder characterised by emotional dysregulation, unstable relationships, and a fragile sense of self. People with BPD often struggle to manage their emotions and may experience intense fears of abandonment, leading to behaviours that can seem erratic or confusing to loved ones.

At the core of BPD is a difficulty with mentalising—the ability to reflect on one’s own thoughts and emotions while also considering the thoughts and feelings of others. When someone with BPD is emotionally distressed, their capacity to mentalise can collapse, making it harder to navigate relationships calmly and thoughtfully.

It is also crucial to mention that the term Borderline Personality Disorder is actually synonymous with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. The terms are used interchangeably and describe the same set of symptoms.

Emotional Turbulence and Hyper-Sensitivity

One hallmark of BPD, or EUPD is emotional dysregulation, where emotions can shift quickly from one extreme to another. In relationships, this may look like a loved one feeling deeply connected one moment and then suddenly hurt, angry, or distant the next. Hence, the renaming of BPD to Emotionally Unstable PD as this more accurately reflects what is going on.

People with BPD are also hyper-sensitive to social cues, such as tone of voice or body language. For example, they might notice you crossing your arms and assume you are upset, even if that wasn’t your intention. This sensitivity can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, as they often make inaccurate assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling.

What you might hear:

• “Your tone sounds like you’re annoyed with me.”
• “If you really cared, you’d tell me right away.”

This intense focus on others’ behaviours stems from a deep fear of rejection or abandonment.

Impulsivity and Conflict

People with BPD often act on impulse, especially during emotional distress. This can result in quick decisions or harsh reactions without pausing to reflect on the consequences.

For example:

• They might lash out during an argument.
• They may assume you don’t care because you took time to reply to a message.

These behaviours can be exhausting for loved ones, especially when they feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells.

The mentalisation model explains that this impulsivity is tied to an over-reliance on automatic emotional reactions rather than reflective thinking. The person with BPD may not pause to consider other perspectives, it is challenging for them to genuinely appreciate other’s perspectives, making it difficult for them to reflect on how their actions affect others. Perhaps you have been confused by someone’s demands/preferences for your sexual relationship and little awareness is shown of what it means to the other person. These impulsive behaviours can leave their loved ones feeling hurt or confused. It can also be exhausting for the person trying desperately to remain consistent and stable in the face of such instability.

The Push-Pull Dynamic in Relationships

One of the most challenging aspects of being in a relationship with someone with BPD is the push-pull dynamic. They may crave closeness but then pull away suddenly when the relationship feels too overwhelming.

This happens because the other person’s emotions can feel psychologically invasive. When someone with BPD feels too influenced by their partner’s emotional state, they may fear losing their identity. To protect themselves, they may withdraw or create emotional distance.

What you might experience:

• They might express intense affection, only to suddenly become distant or critical.
• They may propose long-term commitments and later seem to dismiss those plans entirely.

This dynamic can be emotionally draining for both partners.

How to Respond with Compassion and Boundaries

Understanding that BPD behaviours are rooted in emotional pain and vulnerability can help you respond with more empathy. However, it’s also essential to set boundaries to protect your own well-being.

Here are some practical tips for navigating relationships with someone with BPD/EUPD:

1. Stay Calm and Reflective
   When emotions run high, try to remain calm and reflective. Avoid escalating conflicts by matching their intensity. Instead, pause and encourage a thoughtful conversation.
2. Avoid Taking Things Personally
   Many of the reactions you may experience from your loved one stem from their internal struggles, not from something you’ve done. Remind yourself that their behaviours are a reflection of their pain, not a judgement of you.
3. Encourage Mentalising
   Help your loved one slow down and reflect on their thoughts and feelings before acting. Ask open-ended questions like:

• “What do you think is happening right now?”
• “How are you feeling about that?”

These questions can encourage them to process their emotions more thoughtfully.

4. Set Boundaries with Compassion
It’s important to set limits to protect your emotional well-being. For example, you can set boundaries around how you communicate during conflicts or how you manage emotional outbursts. Do so with compassion, making it clear that your boundaries are about protecting the relationship, not rejecting the person.

Why Relationships Can Be So Painful for People with BPD

People with BPD experience profound emotional pain. One of the most distressing feelings is emptiness, a sense of having no stable identity or sense of self. To cope with this emptiness, they may seek validation from others. A series of unfulfilling short-term relationships may be a way of trying to get the validation required and to combat the empty feeling as a way of feeling something real or enlivening. Even engaging in ‘the chase’ may be indicative of the need for the temporary relief from the overwhelming emotional void. The mentalising capacity is also often compromised and the responses of others are not interpreted accurately. This leads to misunderstandings and conflicts, especially in close relationships where the stakes feel highest.

Recognising Patterns from Your Own Life

It’s also important to reflect on your own relationship patterns. If you grew up with a parent or caregiver who had BPD traits, you may find yourself drawn to relationships with similar dynamics. Understanding your own emotional responses and attachment patterns can be key to building healthier relationships.

Conclusion

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is challenging, but understanding the mentalisation model can provide insight into their behaviours. While empathy is important, so is setting healthy boundaries and ensuring your own emotional needs are met.

Seeking therapy—for both you and your loved one—can make a significant difference in navigating these relationships with more compassion and stability.

If you recognise any of the above traits in yourself or in your relationship get in touch to find out about how Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy informed by Mentalisation-Based Therapy can support you to move forward in a fulfilling, compassionate and happier way.

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Reflecting on Past Goals

The New Year is the time I look at what I had as 2024 resolutions, what I managed to achieve and what was not quite achieved but is still worth rolling onto this year’s list as a continued goal. 2024 was a year of significant achievements as well as significant losses. The highs were interspersed with the lows. Moments of heart-break met moments of heart-swelling fullness. Endings balanced new beginnings and all-important renewed beginnings carry the prospect of hope and love into 2025. Relationships changed and evolved and the ebb and flow of love brought life lessons both beautiful and harsh. Fortunately for me, there will already be 2025 iterations of some vital relationships to look forward to.

The Psychotherapy Perspective

From a psychotherapeutic perspective, reflection is a vital part of personal development. When we take time to thoughtfully consider our New Year’s resolutions, we’re not just setting goals; we’re engaging in a process of self-awareness. While it might be something I recommend to clients, it is also something I also try to really embrace myself. In many ways, talking about renewed plans with clients is a way of reminding myself that it is also important to me on a personal level as I also try to set intentions and reconnect with ensuring that I am also living the life I want to live.

Questions Worth Asking

Questions I am currently reflecting on include: What do I truly want to change? What values do I want to align with more closely in the coming year? What maladaptive patterns do I really need and want to leave behind? I am taking time to consider how the things I choose to do this year, and the people I choose to spend my time with, can better align with my core values. This kind of intentional reflection can lay the groundwork for meaningful, sustainable change.

The Power of a Fresh Start

The New Year’s significance lies not in its arbitrary placement in the calendar but in the transformative power of the fresh start. Thinking about transformation can feel inspiring and motivating and the symbolic fresh start of 1^st January provides a natural pause point. We can take a moment to look back on the year gone by and consider what we want to carry forward—and what, more significantly, we don’t.

Flexibility in Resolutions

However, it’s important to remember that resolutions don’t need to be rigid or perfect. Life is dynamic, and so are we. The goals we set at the start of the year can evolve as we gain new insights and face unforeseen challenges. What matters most is our commitment to growth and our willingness to revisit our goals regularly, making adjustments as needed.

Whether it’s the New Year or a July tweaking of goals, taking time to reflect on where we are and where we want to go is always valuable. But there’s something particularly powerful about marking the New Year as a moment of intention. It’s a way to honour our capacity for change, to recognise the chapters we’ve closed, and to celebrate the ones we’re beginning to write.

If you’re contemplating your own resolutions this year, make use a healthy dose of curiosity and compassion. Use this time to plant seeds for the future, knowing that growth is an ongoing journey—one that you can recommit to at any time.

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So let’s jump straight in. Grab a cup of tea, get cosy, and let’s chat about what this tangled web looks like in relationships.

So, picture this: you’re in a relationship where you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. Your happiness seems to hinge on the whims of your partner, and you find yourself bending over backward to meet their needs while neglecting your own. Sound familiar? Welcome to the world of codependency.

An Imbalance in Relational Dynamics

At its core, codependency manifests as an imbalanced relational dynamic wherein one individual’s sense of self becomes intertwined with another’s to an unhealthy degree. This fusion of identities often leads to a skewed power dynamic, with one party assuming the role of caregiver or rescuer, while the other adopts a dependent or passive stance.

In my own journey as a therapist, I’ve seen codependency wear many masks. It’s the partner who sacrifices their own needs and desires in a desperate bid to maintain harmony within the relationship, thereby perpetuating a cycle of self-neglect and emotional dependency. It’s the friend who always puts everyone else’s needs before their own, to the point of exhaustion. It’s the parent who enables their child’s destructive behaviour out of fear of losing their love. Codependency may manifest as enabling behaviours, wherein the codependent individual enables destructive patterns in others out of a misguided sense of duty or obligation.

The Unhealthy Reliance

But here’s the kicker: codependency isn’t just about being overly nice or self-sacrificing. It’s about an unhealthy reliance on others for validation and a sense of worth. It’s about blurring the lines between where you end and the other person begins, until you’re enmeshed in a tangled mess of emotions and expectations. Recognising codependency requires a nuanced understanding of the underlying dynamics at play, as well as a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about one’s own patterns of behaviour. Psychotherapy offers a transformative space for individuals to explore the roots of their codependent tendencies, challenge maladaptive beliefs, and cultivate healthier relational patterns.

And let me tell you, recognising codependency isn’t always easy. And it’s a smack in the face when you see it. It’s like trying to see the forest for the trees when you’re knee-deep in the underbrush. But once you start peeling back the layers and shining a light on those hidden patterns, that’s when the real magic happens.

Therapy can be like having a trusty compass in this murky terrain. It helps you navigate the murky waters of codependency, guiding you towards healthier relationship dynamics and a stronger sense of self. It’s about reclaiming your autonomy, setting boundaries, and learning to love yourself fiercely, flaws and all. It’s a tough journey and finding a therapist with the compassion, potency and steadfast commitment to co-navigate is absolutely essential.

The Path to Freedom

So, if you’re feeling stuck in the quicksand of codependency, know that you’re not alone. Take a deep breath, reach out for support, and let’s navigate something different together. After all, the path to freedom begins with a single step.

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1. Social Creatures by Nature: Humans are social creatures by nature. We have evolved as a species to thrive in social groups. Throughout history, our ancestors survived and thrived by cooperating with others in their communities. This deeply ingrained need for connection is still a part of who we are today.
2. Emotional Support: Connection provides us with emotional support. Sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others helps us process and make sense of our lives. Knowing that someone cares about our well-being and understands our struggles can be incredibly comforting.
3. Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Studies have shown that spending time with loved ones can reduce stress and anxiety. When we connect with others, our bodies release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of trust and bonding. This “love hormone” not only enhances our emotional well-being but also reduces stress levels.
4. Sense of Belonging: Connection gives us a sense of belonging. Feeling like we are part of a community or a group helps boost our self-esteem and confidence. It reassures us that we are not alone in this world and that we are valued members of our social networks.
5. Improved Mental Health: Loneliness and isolation can have detrimental effects on our mental health. Regular social interaction has been linked to a decreased risk of depression and other mental health issues. It provides us with a support system to lean on during challenging times.
6. Physical Health Benefits: Believe it or not, connection has physical health benefits too. Studies have shown that people with strong social connections tend to live longer, have lower blood pressure, and a stronger immune system. So, staying connected can literally be a lifesaver.

Connection for Growth and Healing

In the world of Transactional Analysis psychotherapy, understanding and nurturing our need for connection is a fundamental aspect of personal growth and healing. By recognising the importance of connection in our lives, we can work on building healthier relationships. This leads to improvement in emotional well-being, and ultimately to us leading more fulfilling lives. Finding out more about who you are and why you are the way you are can be a rewarding journey. Learning more about ourselves in relationship with others, and with ourselves all increases self-awareness.

Get Connected!

So, next time you find yourself yearning for a heart-warming conversation, a loving embrace, or even just a friendly smile, remember that it’s not just a passing whim; it’s your innate human craving for connection, and it’s a beautiful part of who you are. Embrace it, cherish it, and let it enrich your life!

The post Why We Crave Connection appeared first on Southdowns Psychotherapy.

Open Communication

Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your desire to pursue TA couples psychotherapy. Clearly express your reasons for wanting to do so and listen to their concerns and reservations. Encourage your partner to share their perspective, and try to empathise with their feelings.

Education and Information

Share information about TA therapy and what to expect with your partner. Provide resources, books, or articles that explain what TA is and how it can benefit couples. This knowledge might help alleviate some of their concerns or misconceptions about the therapy.

Respect Their Decision

It’s essential to respect your partner’s choice if they are not willing to engage in TA couples therapy at this time. Understand that therapy should be a mutual decision, and pushing your partner into it may lead to resistance and resentment.

Self-Work

While you may have initially sought therapy as a couple, you can still embark on individual therapy in the modality of TA. Working on your own issues can have a positive impact on your relationship, and your partner may eventually be inspired to join you.

Patience and Understanding

Remember that everyone progresses at their own pace. Be patient with your partner and try to understand their concerns. Encourage open dialogue and revisit the topic periodically, as their perspective may evolve over time.

Setting Boundaries

If your partner’s unwillingness to participate in TA therapy is causing significant strain on your relationship, it may be helpful to establish clear boundaries and expectations about how you’ll navigate these differences.

Seek Mediation

If your relationship issues are severe, consider seeking the assistance of a professional mediator or relationship coach. They can help facilitate communication between you and your partner and guide you toward mutually beneficial solutions.

Self-Care

While you’re waiting for your partner’s decision or working through your own issues, don’t neglect self-care. Maintaining your emotional and mental well-being is essential, regardless of your partner’s choices.

Ultimately, the decision to pursue couples psychotherapy in the modality of Transactional Analysis should be a joint one. If your partner is not initially open to the idea, it’s important to respect their boundaries and proceed with understanding and patience. Over time, with open communication and the right approach, they may come to see the benefits of TA therapy for your relationship. In the meantime, remember that self-work and self-care can still bring about positive changes within your partnership.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

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Understanding Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis is a psychotherapy approach that focuses on interpersonal interactions and communication patterns within relationships. TA was developed by Eric Berne and is based on the idea that individuals engage in transactions, or social exchanges, which can be analysed to better understand behaviour and relationships. When applied to couples therapy, it helps partners recognise and change unproductive patterns of interaction.

The Initial Assessment

Your journey in couples therapy begins with an initial assessment. The therapist will meet with you both to gather information about your relationship history, concerns, and goals. This stage is crucial to establish trust and a therapeutic alliance between the couple and the therapist.

Exploring Life Scripts

In transactional analysis, life scripts are ingrained beliefs and patterns of behaviour that we develop early in life. During therapy, you and your partner will explore your individual life scripts and how they impact your relationship. This deep introspection can be eye-opening and help you gain insight into your dynamics.

Analysing Ego States

Transactional analysis identifies three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Understanding these ego states in both yourself and your partner is a fundamental aspect of couples therapy in this modality. It allows you to recognise when you and your partner are operating from different states and how this influences your interactions.

Transactional Patterns

A core focus in transactional analysis couples therapy is analysing the transactions between you and your partner. Are you engaging in complementary transactions, where you reinforce each other’s ego states, or are you caught in crossed transactions, leading to miscommunication and conflict? Identifying these patterns is essential for facilitating change.

Contracting for Change

Once the therapist and the couple have a comprehensive understanding of the relationship dynamics, they work together to create a contract for change. This contract outlines the specific goals and objectives of therapy, as well as the commitments both partners are willing to make to achieve these goals.

Ongoing Work

Couples therapy using transactional analysis is not a quick fix but a process that requires ongoing effort and commitment. Expect to engage in exercises and discussions that challenge your existing communication patterns and encourage healthier interactions.

In summary, couples psychotherapy in the modality of transactional analysis provides an opportunity for couples to gain a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics, change unproductive patterns, and ultimately enhance their connection. It’s a journey of self-discovery and improved communication that can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership. If you and your partner are considering couples therapy, transactional analysis may be the transformative approach you’ve been searching for.

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Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse can cover any type of non-physical abuse including control, manipulation, bullying or verbal abuse. It is a way of psychologically manipulating a victim and in a relationship it can be like a slow drip feed, incessant and insidious and has the aim of wearing you down, stripping away your personality and everything you thought you knew about yourself, leaving behind a shell of a person. It is not limited to romantic relationships either, any relationship can be affected including friendships, family or professional relationships.

While there may often be visible signs of physical abuse, emotional abuse is more subtle and often harder to identify. It is nonetheless as devastating in a relationship as other forms of abuse. Many victims report not really understanding or appreciating that they have been a victim of emotional abuse until after the fact. It may take time to sufficiently recognise the abuse you have felt subjected to. A key aspect to consider is how you feel in the relationship. Red flags to look out for are if you feel like you are being manipulated, you don’t feel able to speak your mind or you modify your actions to accommodate someone else. Ask yourself whether you feel like you are being yourself when you are with this person? If you feel in some way out of sync and wondering about your own sanity, there might be something more serious to look in to.

“But it’s for your own good”

Abusers often blame their victims and act as if they have no idea why you are upset. You may be convinced that what you are experiencing is for your own good, that you perhaps don’t know what is good enough for yourself and need someone else to help you figure this out. You may feel guilty, ashamed and silenced by the feeling of having gotten something wrong, or missed something that was supposedly very good for you.

A victim may also experience a loving side to their partner amongst episodes of emotional abuse and they may forget or deny the abusive behaviours. The ‘bad stuff’ can sometimes be rationalised in distorted ways to justify what is going on. You start to question yourself and wonder whether you can trust your own judgement or perceptions. Your self-esteem starts to chip away and the lines between what feels like reality and doubt are blurred. Before long you feel you are losing your mind.

Get the support you need

In recent years there has been a massive shift in the way we talk about emotional abuse. Terms such as “coercive control” and “gaslighting” are more widely used and and are taken more seriously. Coercive control was also recognised as a criminal offence in 2015. People are talking about it more and there is help and support on offer.

If any of the above resonates in any way or you want to talk through your experiences, contact a professional. Get the support you need to make sense of what you are going through. You may have slowly lost sight of who you are but there’s always scope to turn it around. You can regain control over your own life.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

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It is no surprise that the current Corona pandemic is having just as much effect on people’s mental health as it is their physical health. Increased levels of stress and anxiety are being widely reported and there is already concern for the longer term implications of our lockdown.

So what is going on?

The Lockdown Effect

For those with pre-existing medical or mental health issues, there may be a spike in stress and anxiety as well as a more intense general level of emotional distress. To a certain extent, feeling anxious about what is going on in the world is normal. Under these very unusual circumstances it is actually expected that we may be experiencing stress and anxiety. After all, the world has changed in (and I’m going to say it…..) unprecedented ways.

But what happens to us when healthy levels of stress tip into the unhealthy?

The Stress Response

When we are under stress our body releases adrenaline and cortisol into our bloodstream and our body equips itself for a fight or flight response. Our heart rate picks up and our energy levels pique. Our body is preparing itself for a potentially threatening or dangerous situation. In periodic and short spurts, cortisol is useful to us as it boosts immunity by limiting inflammation. Cortisol also equips us to deal with the situation by limiting any non-essential functions. Once the threat subsides, hormone levels usually return to normal.

Sometimes, however, this doesn’t happen. We may be exposed to enduring higher levels of cortisol which can wreak havoc on a variety of body processes. We may also end up feeling quite wired and constantly on edge.

The important thing to be aware of is that this can have an emotional and a physical impact on us. To mitigate the impact, we need to be able to regulate our stress and anxiety levels. Stress is known to cause an excess of cortisol in the body and this can make feelings of depression more likely. Not only this, the synapses in our brain shrink as a result of a cortisol overload and we are less able to think clearly or be anything like our best selves. Too much adrenaline in our bodies can also have an adverse effect on our immune system. At a time when we are all seeking to be as healthy as possible, this would be a pretty unwanted result!

Currently we’ve lost control over so much we often take for granted. We cannot control when we go shopping, when we see our family or when go out for a drink with our best mate. It can be hard to acknowledge just how much we have lost control of. On the other hand, there’s a real chance to recognise where we can regain a sense of control in our lives. Essentially, we are reminding ourselves of what we have always, and continue to be in charge of.

One thing that can be really useful, is to stick to a timetable. Ordinarily, setting a time to have lunch may seem a relatively trite thing to do when our time is more our own, but maintaining a sense of structure and routine to our day is really important to general mental health during lockdown. It may have been great to see the time gained from not travelling into work as a lie-in opportunity, but going forward time structuring and a sense of security and stability is a basic human need.

Planning your own day is within your control. You can implement your own structure and routine. Pick a regular time to still have breakfast, get up in time to start your work-from-home day at the designated time. If you are not working you may find it useful to still get up at the same time as usual. Have lunch at the same time. Put time into your day for self-care. Go to that online Body Pump class and have a virtual coffee with your fitness buddy after.

Establishing and sticking to times we set for ourselves is within our control. Acknowledging this and reflecting on this can be very grounding and empowering. It can also be a useful tool in getting through a very challenging time!

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The brain.

How often do you consider the impact your brain can have on your relationships?

Understanding the importance of our own brains may not be the first thing that comes to mind when asked about our relationships. But, the brain is the place where we process how we perceive, evaluate, understand, communicate and interact with other people. The brain is inextricably linked with behaviour and mental processes.

There are three specific brain structures that have the ability to affect our sense of well-being and can impact our relationships.

Without going into hugely complicated brain anatomy (!) the following areas are fundamental to helping us understand how this works.

Brain Structures and Emotions

Pre-Frontal Cortex

Where we begin. This is the most important brain structure.

If you can imagine looking down on a brain from above, the upper part is the cortex. The front half of this structure is the cortex. The front half of this half is then the pre-frontal cortex. If we’re on top form, this is where we will be working from. If the lights are on up there, we will be our best selves. We will be present and grounded, adaptive to others, responsive to other people’s needs, we are being “adults”. When the neurons are firing up in this section, we are on form!

Hippocampus

If we go lower into the brain, we find the limbic system, this is the place where we regulate emotions and assess potential threats. There may be emotional communication going on, but it’s not happening right at the top of our brains, at a higher level. The hippocampus and amygdala are two important structures within the limbic system.

The hippocampus modulates memory and processes sets of stimuli. It’s where we hold our autobiographical memory and from where can tell stories about ourselves. Our hippocampus is the part that will process aspects of emotional memories. Our memories are then what help us to respond to the world around us and inform what our emotional responses may be.

Amygdala

The amygdala is an almond-shaped structure lower down in the brain essential for decoding emotions. It is a more primitive part of our brain and modulates emotions directly linked to our survival such as threats or food. It is essentially the guard dog or internal alarm part of our brain.

This part is particularly important in responding to threats and many of our internal alarm circuits are found in the amygdala. As a result, it can detect threats from various sensory sources.

The amygdala also exaggerates threat on purpose. This is ideal when there is an actual threat as it helps us mobilise ourselves to keep ourselves safe. When we are activated in our amygdala it shoots out epinephrine, cortisol and adrenaline to get us active to save ourselves.

But, when there is so much focus down here, our pre-frontal cortex is essentially relegated and goes offline. Our brain is flooded and drowns out the pre-frontal cortex because in terms of biology, it’s not so important a structure in our threat response system. The amygdala and our internal threat system are going to be the brain structures keeping us out of danger. Our sophisticated pre-frontal cortex is great for rationale and higher level thinking but isn’t so necessary in keeping us safe. When our priority is reacting to an immediate threat, we don’t have time to weigh up the pros and cons of the options available to us, we just need to move quick! Thinking more or less goes out the window when what we need is to be ready for combat or to run as fast as we can.

So how do these structures come together to have an impact on relationships?

Our memories fuel our emotions

If we are in a car crash for example, the hippocampus will recall who we were with, what we were doing at the time etc. Because of the connections with the amygdala, we may then get sweaty palms and a racing heart beat too as our amygdala kicks in. If at a later date we are in the car with the same friend and a similar trigger situation occurs, we may find ourselves reacting in a very similar way even though this time we may not be at risk of an impending crash. Our system has been conditioned somewhat to this potential danger and we’re sent off on an emotional rollercoaster again as our hippocampus has been activated.

The hippocampus is important in building a theory about what works in relationships. If we recall a negative emotion we are likely to be taken to a negative mental space. If we recall happy memories we may be in a good mood. Positive memory recall entails the release of dopamine and in this way memory recall fuels our emotions.

The impact on relationships

It makes sense that if we have been in a destructive or abusive relationship, we are on heightened alert to similar situations. If we are used to operating at a level of increased self-preservation or increased anxiety, we may be at a constant level of a low grade threat response. Our reactions and emotions will therefore be informed by our previous experiences. We may find similar situations invoke a similar threat response with our pre-frontal cortex going offline even though the situation is different.

If we are at home awaiting the return of our partner and the door slams shut, if our threat system is activated we may respond in a jumpy way. Our limbic system will be activated and we may be responding to what we perceive to be a potential danger. We may snap at our partner and react angrily as our amygdala has flooded us with stress hormones. I might attribute my threat response to what is going on in front of me instead of understanding it in a more rational way. Perhaps my partner has let the door blown shut and I find myself reacting in response to what I perceive to be a major threat because I am remembering alarm bells from back in the days.

It’s Complex

This is just a simplistic look at how the brain impacts on our relationships. The connection between the brain and relationships are so closely intertwined that relationships can also actually have an impact on our brain. Our relationships have the power to also alter the structure and neural pathways in our brains.

Moving Forward

If you are interested in how you came to be the way you are, why you make decisions that you do and why you avoid making other choices in life, get in touch. Transactional Analysis therapy is an amazing way to aid understanding of ourselves, our personalities and our relationships.

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